Sentimental Heart

(She & Him)

Went to see the movie 50/50 with some girlfriends.  Reminded me that you never really get over losing someone.  I actually met Chris only a couple months after my father died, and thought I was very strong during the process, I often wonder if it was more because I had to be for my mother, and not simply that I was "good" at dealing with it.  Sometimes I think that I haven't really dealt with it completely.

The sleepless nights since breaking up with Chris have been haunted equally by memories of my father.  It was actually very disturbed to switch back and forth, it's like I wanted to fill one void with another.

I went from one huge male influence to another, and since I stopped becoming a girl I haven't really been a woman, and I definitely haven't been alone.  I lost my "daddy" but I gained my other half, and now I have neither, and one of them I mourn, and one of them I just...blink at.  I am still processing being alone, especially since Chris did a complete 180 on me by all but asking me not to leave as I packed the last of my stuff into the Durango.  Somehow he found the courage to tell me that he thought I needed this, but I couldn't help but wonder how, in the span of one week, we went from me being weepy and struggling to deal, to me being composed and more determined than ever, while he looks away to avoid me seeing the tears in his red-rimmed eyes.

I'm still kind of lost, though.  I don't enjoy playing on the computer as much as I did before, I do/don't want to camp out with my mom and watch tv or movies in the evening, and I feel like I should be getting back to my artistic roots but I have no inspiration.

I'm scared that I won't ever be good enough again to get the kind of person I think I deserve, because I am too busy feeling insignificant.  A woman came into work today and after we got to chatting, she told me how I need to just focus on a career, and that if I want to get into nursing I just need to go for it.  Maybe along the line, my love life will sort itself out.  One can only hope.