Someone Like You

(Adele)

I use to find such catharsis and release in words, but somewhere along the way everything about me that was passionate went away.  This blog is just for me, but maybe someone else will read it.  I don't expect to inspire you, but that sure would cool I guess.  I just want to disclose that there is a lot going on and this first post is just going to go where whim takes me.

Anyways, Here's the deal.  Christopher and I were together for over 5 years.  We're going through a mutual break up, and I say "going through" because we share a lease and I've not quite moved out, so you could definitely say it is a process.  It's a mutual break-up, but it is not without tears and sadness, some of it soft, quiet, almost numb, and some of it hysterical and overflowing (think Diane Keaton in the 2nd half of "Something's Gotta Give").  This is one of those moments when it hits kind of like finding a bruise on your arm you didn't know was there, so you poke it and are surprised to find it hurts.  Why are you poking it still?  Just ignore it and it will go back to being all but invisible.  I apologize ahead of time for typos and random changes of tense, should they occur.

Let me get back to the big picture and lay down some brush strokes.  First and foremost, I never really believed that Chris and I would leave each other.  I believed he was my other half, my soul mate if you will.  I don't think I believe that now; in hindsight I'd have to say that I let the comfort-aspect blind me to all the other important aspects that had dissipated...things like passion and fun, play and inspiration.

Chris and I met on MySpace, some time early 2006.  To be completely honest, I've always been particularly susceptible to internet-relationships.  However, Chris was never really one of those.  He was a cute guy who lived in the same area, and he saw my pictures and my artwork and initiated contact, and we connected right away but in a friendly, flirty, but distant sort of way.  For quite awhile we would just chit chat occasionally and that'd be about it.  At that time I was crazy about someone with whom I only communicated online.  This other person was my perfect intellectual match, and we would talk for hours nearly every day, but we had an agreement that if we dated people we would not disclose unless it became I-can't-talk-to-you-anymore-Serious.  So one day Chris shoots me a message on myspace and tells me to meet him at a Coffee Bean, "Be there or be Square" says he.  Early June we meet and we hit it off.  He thinks I look even better in person and I think I am scared to death I am going to like him way too much too fast.

After that we're finding every opportunity to hang out.  I take him to a comedy show, he takes me a Chinese restaurant.  We go to the batting cages, and decide to drive down the coast to Malibu.  He's artistic and likes to take pictures, especially ones of me walking away (which drives me crazy).  We lay on my bed and listen to an entire Jack Johnson (In Between Dreams) in silence, and to this day I can't separate him from any Jack Johnson music.  The bottom line is we are crazy about each other, we make an amazing couple, and we are spending as much time together as possible.  I finally tell the other guy what's going on, and it really doesn't hurt too bad because I am thoroughly head over heels for Chris at this point.

We've only been dating a couple of months when he tells me he loves me.  We've gone to visit a friend of his who is camping/fishing at a local lake.  Chris has too many gin and tonics and that night when we get into the tent he tells me "I think I am falling in Love with you".  I can't bring myself to say it back because I am terrified that it is too soon, and that he is just too drunk.  Nonetheless, he has a sore ego into the next day until I am forced to confess my mutual feelings...and I do love him at that time, and it is important that is crystal clear.

Anyways, what I am trying to convey with this incomplete mini-story is that we fell in love fast, and we really were perfect for awhile.  We had a lot in common: we were both artists, both intellectuals, had a compatible sense of humor, and shared similar religious point of views - he was an atheist and I an agnostic.  We even end up working at the same Electronics store, but in different departments.

Well, over time he loses his passion (for art, his job, his education, etc), and I start to put on weight.  There...I said it, and boy is it a load off (no pun intended).  For quite a while he didn't seem to mind, and he still made me feel beautiful, and we still loved each other.  One thing, however, becomes clear little by little: we're beginning to resent each other.  I resent that he pretty much mooches off of me, and he resents that I'm not thin like I used to be.  Surprisingly, or not, we go 2-3 years like this still being mostly passionate...we can't stay mad at one another.  He always caves before I do and calls to tell me he wants to come back over or wants me to come back over.  We do a pretty good job of not going to bed angry, and we we don't have any dramatic break-up and make-ups...only some dramatic fights and not-dramatic I'm sorry's.

Cut to Holidays of 2009.  Chris has been jobless for well over a year and lives with me and my family.  He is pretty much going through depression, but nothing I say or do can motivate  him.   He takes criticism very poorly and it gets to the point where I simply enable him to be this person who does nothing but play computer all day.  There are moments when he hates himself so much he, like most any person does at some point, thinks that it would all be easier if he killed himself.  He is convinced I do not love him, and despite being very handsome and intelligent, has incredibly poor self-esteem.  If I tell him I love him, he calls me a liar.  If I try to reconnect with an old female friend ( I simply can't have male friends), he questions my motives and due to his jealousy I cease contact with my friends.  I literally have no friends I see regularly that aren't really just his friends.  "Friends" I have at work (and only at work) all tell me I am crazy to stay with someone who is so jealous and possessive that I have to decline offers to go to lunch with them, or do group outings, just because I won't lie to Chris and I don't want to deal with the drama. I can't take it anymore but I can't fix him, and I can't leave him...I can't imagine not having him in my life, I can't imagine not falling asleep next to him, not having his children one day...you get the idea.

I am, however, ashamed to admit that this doesn't stop me from entering into a flirtatious "relationship" with a person within my then favorite online game (MMORPG).  It's all really pathetic really because I'm this fat ass who is showing this guy pictures of me when I was skinny, and flirting and thinking I am making some amazing connection with him.  I start to think that I can rapidly lose the weight in time to meet him over spring break, and by then decide if I really want to continue living like this with Chris.  I leave a chatbox open on the PC one day but take my laptop to work, so Chris sees our conversation unfold before his eyes, and ends up calling me up at work to confront me.

In the end I decide that, while I don't know what I am going to do about mystery internet guy, I am too chicken to face the music, too emotionally exhausted to work things out...so I "break up" with Chris.  He spends the next 2 months getting a job, going back to college, and trying to win me back.  I finally, finally give in, first and foremost after realizing I am insane to pursue this other person, realizing that I was mostly afraid to admit I was wrong, and after believing the promises. The job he has sucks, but it is something.  He does, however, quit his classes within probably 2-3 weeks.  His aunt (who is actually only a few years older) supports his decision because "he was doing it for the wrong reasons".  This still pisses me off...because I don't care why he was doing it, it's not like he was converting religions, he was going to fucking school!  There is never any way that can be wrong or bad for a person, and it sure is hell NOT ok to do these things to prove something to me and then to stop when I come back....that kinda defeats the point.

Anyways, I don't want to start ranting.  I should also mention that during this 2 months when he is wooing me about I do lose about 20 lbs.

Fast forward to a year later (Dec 2010), it's Christmas, and he asks me to marry him.  I say yes because it just feels like the right thing to do.  He's my Christopher, and for all our faults and flaws, no one will ever complete me like he does.  He gets a better job and we move into an apartment with a mutual friend (his buddy who is my "friend" by proxy).  For awhile things feel good because we are both in better places emotionally, financially, physically, etc.  He's starting to feel worthy again, and he's starting to trust me again.  There is just one problem...there is no passion.  We have sex maybe 3-4 times a month, and you can't call it making love.  I won't get into the details because there are things we both could have done or not done to improve this, but the bottom line is we aren't passionate.  I have no confidence,  hate my body, don't feel sexy, etc, and someone he gave up or stopped wanting ot try to change that.  We cuddle only on occasion, and without my fully realizing it, we are just kinda becoming really close roomates.  It is also important to note that I've gained back any weight I lost and I am heavier than I have ever been.  I hate myself, I am a miserable person inside, and he resents me (can't blame him).

In June 2011 I bring myself to talk to him and he basically tells me he needs a break, so I immediately pack up and go live with my mom.  After about 3 weeks I promise to join him on his diet and his trips to the gym.  He wants me to lose 30 pounds in 60 days, because he did it so I can too.  I move back in almost not wanting to, mostly because I don't know if I am moving into bootcamp or a home with my fiance.

To wrap things up, between then and now I have lost about 30-35 pounds, and it's been about 3 months since I first committed to losing weight.  I am feeling good about myself for the first time in 2-3 years, and people at work are noticing and supportive.  I did stop going to the gym because I hated it, probably because I was going for him and not for me, however I have maintained *mostly* good eating habits.  He has never  really told me I've done  a good job because he resents that I stopped going to the gym, so it could have been more.  I actually wonder if I would be sitting here writing this if I had just gone to the gym...but I don't regret it, because then I'd be here for the wrong reasons.

Anyways, I digress again.  Between 1-2 weeks ago Chris is gone, he's at his family's and he's going on 2 days being MIA.  I am suddenly hysterically because I know in my gut that things aren't right, and it hits me like a tidal wave...I'm not  really a girlfriend or a Fiance, I'm a glorified roommate.  I start a conversation when he gets home, and we both disclose that, ultimately *we* are just not working anymore.

So that's what brings me here.  I'm dealing with it all.  Despite there being relief and a renewed, fierce but quiet kind of hope, I am still sad...I'm saying goodbye, and this blog will be my therapy.

This is just the beginning.  In so many ways.