Zzyzyx Rd.

(Stone Sour)

Today I moved out.  It was time; it was past time.  I just couldn't handle the emotional confusion of sleeping in the same bed with him.  Sometimes I wanted to crawl over to his end of the California King, or curl up on the edge of mine.  Yes...we were still sharing a bed because it really was the only option until tonight.  Now I'm waiting on fresh sheets and pillow cases to wash, and then dry.  Got the computer set up to type this, and I've even paid my share of rent for the next month - even though I won't live there anymore.  I've hung up my clean clothes, and set-up Eleanor's home again.  Eleanor is my pet snake, a ball python, who I adopted when my brother accidentally let her loose and then got himself a new red-tail boa.

Today was a tough day.  We were both teary-eyed from time to time, but nonetheless, Chris helped me pack up.  I took a quick trip to my mother's house to drop of some laundry and grab her Durango to haul over the larger stuff, and one medium sized box I saw begging to be put to use.

When I got back to the apartment and began packing up, I filled that box up in about 10 mins and suddenly became extremely annoyed and irritable, because I guess I somehow had fooled myself into thinking I really didn't have that much stuff to move.  As if I would fit my whole life into a little brown box.  I know some people can do that, but I know that can never be me.  The small things are the hard part.  The little nick-knacks - the decks of cards or board games, the bottle of lotion or vitamin-C, a book, or a movie you never watched.  Those little things that just insinuate themselves into the crannies of your life, or hide away in a dark corner to be soon forgotten, until it's time to pick-up and move and you suddenly realized how much crap you have.  I filled the entire Durango, seats folded down and all, passenger seat and floorspace, and I know that the walk-in closet will be piled up with me stuff on Thursday.
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I will miss Chris, probably more than I can comprehend right now.  He told me today he was second guessing the decision, and even though he denies it, I think he would take it all back if I asked him to.  He says he knows it is what I need, and I agree, but I think he's going to fool himself out of thinking that the more he misses me.

We've tentatively agreed to meet up in a few months, perhaps going out to dinner he suggests.  We'll see.  I think that I can do that, but I really don't know how things will play out as each day the loneliness gets easier, or rather just lessens completely.  I'm looking forward to sorting out my head and heart as things become unclouded by this change.  Perhaps then I will be thinking how silly I was to assume it could be that easy, as if it will just happen naturally.

Right now I'll just be a bit naive and a bit hopeful, and we'll see how I fare.